I feel like I killed my cat

My cat died almost 5 months ago, she was 6. She had been diagnosed with heart disease 7 months before she died, and 3 months before this she didn't have heart disease at all. I know this because we took her to a cardiologist to have scans done as our vet heard a new heart murmur, and the cardiologist said her heart looked normal at this point in time, but 3 months later we went back for another scan and he said he predicted she would die in 2 months because of how quickly the disease had progressed. She was prescribed clopidogrel which tastes bitter and she never liked taking. We had to hide it in food which sometimes worked but for the last month she was alive she barely ate it. I was getting worried about the risk of a blood clot forming and paralysing her back legs, meaning she would get put to sleep. Our vet told us to try giving her liquid clopidogrel with a syringe, I knew my cat would hate this but though it might be easier than putting a tablet in her mouth. When I tried it, she got really stressed and foamed out of her mouth for awhile and then lay flat on her stomach and started to look like she was calming down, but suddenly she fell onto her side, looked really stiff and stretched out and screamed really loudly. I didn't know what was happening so I tried to pick her up out of shock and she was already floppy and urinated shortly after. I have felt so guilty for 5 months and have put off asking for a vet's advice because I am so scared as to what they will tell me. I feel so awful and don't know what happened to her. Do you think her heart must have gotten even worse which caused this to happen because she was stressed? Do you think she would still be alive if I hadn't done this? I know you aren't her vet and don't have her vet records but I can't ask her vet because they never helped with anything and I don't feel comfortable speaking to them about this anymore. I feel so guilty, it makes grieving feel tainted and awful because not only do I miss her but I feel like I killed her.

Oh my goodness; here is a huge hug!   Thats a terrible thing to have had happen and to witness and no wonder you feel all the big feels that you are feeling. Guilt is a big part of the greiving process for some people; it is normal to look for ways to blame yourself when an animal dies; wrestling with this is actually one of the normal stages of greif. Well done for reaching out and hopefully together we can reframe this thought process. The passing that you are describing does sounds potentially like a blood clot and it sounds as though it happened relatively quickly.   It may have happened at that time as opposed to a few days or a month later, because she was stressed or wound up, in flight or fight mode, heart perhaps beating more quickly at that moment.  Yes, perhaps.  But (assuming that this was a clot), it sounds as though the patient died of a complication of heart disease.  Without the diseas in the body, this couldn't have happened and knowing that it was  risk, you were trying to walk a difficult tightrope.  At least, it sounds from your description as though you were trying to give medication to stop this happening, when it happened.  You truely were stuck between a rock and a hard place. Please do go and chat to your vets.   They are trained to help.

Its also worth mentioning the RALPH site, a charity specialising in helping owners after the passing of a pet.   They will have encountered many people in ypur situation before and know how to help; blood clots are unfortunately common.  The best of luck to you on this journey.