Dealing with loss but also want an honest answer

I lost my 20 year old dog last month after over a year of her having kidney problems and in the last few months had a few seizures for the first time that were regulated through medication I got her prescribed. But it was only a matter of time though before her kidneys would fail.Towards the end, I moved into a new place and within the first two months she occasionally would eat the cat food that was out. It was not much, but there were days I forgot to move it from her. At the same time in the last couple weeks she started having constipation issues and vomiting and within the last couple days did not eat or drink at all and she started seizing again, even though I also got prescribed medication to deal with the vomiting and constipation/diarrhea/potential dehydration issues before putting her down. I am currently in the bargaining stage of my grief. I have been focusing on this and blaming myself that maybe the few times she ate the cat food were the reason her kidneys finally failed and that she started seizing again. I don’t know if that is actually the reason, but I am still thinking about it and wanted to see if that is possible even though again, she had been dealing with these issues before and she was 20 years old. I’m hoping it’s not, but if it is I think I need to know. I hate this so much. Thank you.

Hello - and I'm so sorry for your loss.  I hear that you hate it, and I also hear that you are very self-aware in your greif, calling it by its name and stage (appropriately, I think, although obviously I am no psycologist and do not know you) and trying to resolve issues that are troubling you in your head.  This is a very pro-active attitude to trying to help greif to pass and I am in awe of your self-work at such a time.  My only note of caution is that greif is still a necessary psycological process and that, although understanding it (in my experience, at least) can be extremely helpful, it is also a process that is known for taking its time.  Sometimes, greif cycles between two or more stages again and again and again, but it does lessen eventually.  Anyway, that's enough of my "wisdom" - I suspect that you were aware of this anways - and let me get on with answering your questions.

Let's try a thought-experiment;  what if your fear was true?  What if there was a higher protein and fat content in the cat-food than the dog kidney-food (I do not know this to be true - the specific food reps and your vet may help) that advanced the onset of fitting?  You gave the food because you expected it to have a positive effect on your dog's mental state.  It might also have deepened the bond between you at such a poignant moment, reminded her that she was loved and furthermore, she might have wanted to eat it. It might have brought her pleasure, but the positive effect of this cannot be measured quantitively.  Nor can it be compared in any meaningful way to not having given that tiny amount of food; there is no identical dog in the same situation that you could withold the cat food from; you cannot rewind the situation, try it again without the cat-food, and watch to see whether or not she would have been as happy, or whether she would have fitted at the end. I know from having been involved with end-0f-life humans, that people frequently do not ask for the thing that would prolong their life most at times like these, despite understaning the implications.  I have known people in end-stage liver cancer ask for - and be granted - a beer.  It sounds as though you were doing the best that you could for your dog, who sounds to have passed away because she had kidney failure.  There is a charity website - The Ralph Site - also dedicated to helping owners at times like these. You might find it useful to pay them a visit also.  Wishing you the best of luck.

Hi, desnaa, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved dog. Losing a furry friend is incredibly tough, especially after caring for them through health struggles like kidney problems and seizures. It's natural to look for reasons or to blame yourself, but please remember that you did everything you could to care for your dog. The occasional eating of cat food likely wasn't the cause of her kidney failure or seizures, because sometimes I give my dog to eat cat food and didn't observe any issues with her health. These issues are complex and often multifactorial, especially in older dogs. It sounds like you provided her with love, care, and medical attention throughout her life, which is truly commendable. Grieving is a process, and it's okay to feel a range of emotions, including guilt and sadness. Just know that you were there for your dog when she needed you most, and you made her life as comfortable as possible. Try to focus on the happy memories you shared together, and know that your dog felt your love until the end. Take care of yourself during this difficult time, and remember that you're not alone. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups if you need someone to talk to. Sending you lots of strength and comfort.