Our pets are part of the family, and sharing our home with them can be one of life’s greatest joys. Unfortunately, pets don’t live as long as humans. So, with this great love comes heavy grief at a pet’s loss. ‘Pre-emptive’ grief describes the grief we feel before our pets have died, when we realise that they are in the final chapter of their life. 

What is pre-emptive grief?

‘Pre-emptive’, otherwise known as ‘anticipatory’, grief is a term used to describe grief that starts before the loss of your pet, when you know the end is imminent.

Pre-emptive grief will often set in when your pet is diagnosed with a terminal illness, or your elderly pet’s quality of life is declining. Pre-emptive grief can cause a flood of emotions, often complicated by the fact that pet parents are involved in end-of-life decisions. You may feel stressed about coping with end-of-life care. You may be worried that your pet is suffering and find it hard to decide when it’s time to say good-bye. Or you may feel guilty about making that final decision. You may feel angry at yourself (or even your veterinary team) for not being able to do more. You may feel a sense of dread, and worry how you will cope after your pet has gone.

As all-consuming as they are, it’s important to understand that these emotions are natural, common and play an important part in the grieving process. 

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Tips for coping with pre-emptive grief

The most important point here is that there is no right or wrong when it comes to grieving. Everyone will experience grief differently, and cope differently. What helps or comforts one person may have the opposite effect on another. Be kind to yourself, these feelings are natural. Some people feel a sense of guilt for grieving before their pet has passed. You are not alone, and pre-emptive grief is sadly unavoidable.

Some people find it helps to share some final memories, making the most of the time that is left with their pet. Other people find this too hard and are overwhelmed with grief. You could try making some paw print keep-sakes with your pet. If they are well enough, you could take your pet to their favourite place for a final time. This could be as simple as enjoying some cuddles on the sofa. You could take some photos or videos, to capture some final memories. However, if your pet is very poorly, this may not be how you wish to remember them. Choose what feels right for you and your pet, everyone is different.

I think most of us would hope for our pets to pass naturally and peacefully in their sleep

Sadly, this is very rarely the case. Luckily, we have the option of euthanasia, to prevent our pets from suffering in their final days or weeks. I like to see this as our final gift to them: peace. 

If you know the decision to say good-bye is imminent, it helps to be prepared for what’s to come

Firstly, it’s important that you understand how to monitor your pet’s quality of life, and how their condition will progress. Knowing what to expect can help us feel more prepared and in control. If you aren’t sure about anything, speak with your vet. Your veterinary team is there to guide you and support you and your pet through this final chapter.

Understanding the process of euthanasia, and knowing what to expect on the day, often helps pet parents cope better with the event itself. Your veterinary team will be happy to explain this to you ahead of time, so nothing comes as a shock. 

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Think about the arrangements you would like afterwards, so you aren’t having to make impossible decisions in the heat of emotions. Would you prefer a home burial or cremation? Would you like their ashes back? Making these decisions ahead of time will allow you to focus on saying good-bye to your beloved pet on the day, and looking after yourself.

Remember, it’s ok to need some support, you are not alone

Seek support from family and friends, both during the pre-emptive grieving stage and after your loss. End-of-life care can be both physically and emotionally exhausting. Some charities also offer pet bereavement and counselling services. 

Pre-emptive grief is natural and inevitable. The idea of life without our companions can seem unbearable. The physical side of end-of-life care can be exhausting too, with medications to remember, accidents to clear up and sleepless nights. Decisions around quality of life and deciding the right time to say good-bye are emotionally exhausting. Take it a day at a time, and seek support from friends and family. Remember, your vet is there to guide you and support you through the process too. Finally, if you feel you aren’t coping, don’t be afraid to seek professional help.

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