The loss of a pet is, undoubtedly, one of the hardest situations you can face as a pet owner. It is something that will affect the whole family – our pets are very important family members, after all! As adults, of course we find it heart breaking – and that’s despite the fact that we understand death and euthanasia. We can appreciate that ultimately, no matter how hard it is for us, it’s that one final, kind act for our pets. So, how does a child view it and how do they feel?
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Their four-legged friend has likely been a constant in their life for as long as they can remember. Maybe you even had your pet since before your child was born, so they really have grown up together. They may never have anticipated having to say goodbye to their furry sidekick; after all, why wouldn’t pets live as long as we do? Children won’t understand why their lives are so much shorter when compared to our own. In many cases, it may also be their first encounter with death and having to say goodbye to a much-loved companion. It’s our job to help them to understand what has happened, why it’s happened, and what happens next.
Why does language matter when discussing pet euthanasia with children?
With all of the above in mind, your child could be feeling any number of emotions when dealing with the loss of your family pet. Confusion. Fear. Anxiety. Anger. And no doubt, complete and utter heartbreak. Talking to them openly and honestly is vital, no matter how hard. If you ‘embellish the truth’ about what’s happened and why, it could destroy the trust between you and your child further down the line and breed resentment. After all, at some point they will understand the concept of death and euthanasia.
That leads nicely on to our next point. If you’re going to be honest with your child, that means you don’t use euphemisms. Whilst it’s understandable that it may seem a softer – and maybe even kinder – approach, using phrases that lead them to believe their pet has ‘gone away’, is ‘visiting friends’, or has been ‘put to sleep’ will only cause more confusion in some cases, and in others, hope.
If their pet has just gone away or is visiting friends, surely they’ll come back in time? Why can’t they come back now, because the family misses them? If their pet has been put to sleep, can’t they just wake up? Can’t you just wake them up? If you then try to explain that this is permanent, they may start to fear going to sleep themselves in case they don’t wake up, or become scared that you, too, may ‘go away’ and never come back. It really can be that simple when it comes to a child’s mind. They didn’t want their pet to go away and yet they did, so how can they trust that you won’t go away too?
How to tell a child about the death of their pet
There’s no hiding the fact that this will be a difficult conversation; let’s not forget, you’re grieving too. You know your child better than anyone and can tailor the conversation to their age and general understanding of the subject, but some things to consider are:
● Be honest and tell them as soon as possible. As mentioned, don’t use euphemisms, use the words death and dying.
● Make sure they understand what dying means. This could be explained as simply as ‘Fluffy’s body stopped working as it should’. You can go on to explain that your vet could tell that ‘Fluffy’ was in pain and the vet helped Fluffy to die peacefully, with no pain and they felt nothing. Make sure your child understands that death is permanent – their pet will not be coming back.
● Always answer their questions – there could be many. Spend time talking with them about how they feel – and tell them how you feel. It’s ok to show that you’re also upset so that they know how much your pet meant to you, too.
● Do they want to do something to celebrate their pet’s life? This may not be immediate, but in time, it may help them to gain closure and say goodbye in a way that makes them feel comfortable. You could hold a memorial, plant something special in the garden, or encourage them to write about how they’re feeling and remember happy memories with their pet.
At the end of the day…
As hard as this will be for your whole family, it really is kinder to have an honest, direct approach with your child when it comes to this subject. If you need further support, do get in touch with your veterinary team who will be able to direct you to some helpful resources that can support you during this difficult time.
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