When you just want to show your cat some love, why do they sometimes reject your advances and dart away from you? It can leave you wondering, was it something I said?
Cats can be naturally aloof. They are a solitary species, descended from ancestors that would spend the majority of their time alone. But while it’s true that cats don’t need friends, our domesticated pet cats do choose to be with us and many enjoy our company, on their own terms.
So what might be triggering their ‘flight’ instinct, and how can we persuade them to stick around?
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Consider illness or injury first
If your cat has only recently started to run from you, there might be a medical reason for this change. As is the rule for any unexpected behaviour change, it’s vital that your vet checks your pet over as the first step in addressing the underlying cause. It may be that they are in pain or discomfort, and they are behaving differently as a result.
If your cat is feeling unwell, they will often hide it. Again, this stems from their origins as a solitary animal who may be attacked by a larger predator if they show outward signs of weakness. It can make illness difficult for a human owner to detect. One subtle sign of illness or injury is a preference for your cat to spend more time alone, running away or retreating when you offer them your company. It’s worth a trip to the vets to rule out a health problem.
Cats are cautious
In the wild, cats can be both predator and prey. They also don’t have the security that a pack of others might provide, as dogs in the wild do. Cats need to be on high alert to protect themselves. And as a result, they are very sensitive to their environment. They will regularly scan their surroundings for danger and have highly developed senses to allow them to pick up on potential threats that we might easily miss. Of course, many of these potential threats within our domestic homes are not actually a threat at all – but thousands of years’ worth of neural processing is hard to overcome!
Most animals will react with one of the four fear responses if they feel scared or threatened. These are flight, fight, freeze or fidget. Cats can display all of these, but their most common response to threat is flight. They will tend to flee the scary situation, often with a strong desire to climb and get up high to escape danger. Any attempts to stop them responding to a scary situation in this way – trying to hold on to them for example – will only increase their sense of fear and distress.
The socialisation period is crucial
Cats learn what is normal versus what is scary during a crucial developmental period that starts at the age of two weeks old and ends when they are around seven weeks of age. This relatively brief window of time is called the ‘socialisation period’.
During this time, everything from who they meet, to the environments they encounter, will teach them whether what is happening is threatening or non-threatening. It’s so important for a kitten to have positive experiences with different people and with everyday household items and events during the socialisation period. Without this, it can be hard for them to adapt well to a human household as an adult. It’s important to remember that as a species, the domestic cat does not have an inbuilt need to be with people or to enjoy handling. All this has to be learned during the socialisation period.
It’s easy for some kittens to develop fears or aversions to people or handling if they’ve not had enough positive experiences with us during that critical two- to seven-week-old period. If your cat wasn’t socialised well when they were a kitten, you may need to put in some extra work with them, to help build their trust. Speaking to a qualified behaviourist could help you work out a plan of action.
Personality comes into the mix
Just like people, cats have different personalities. We can influence their preferences by exposing them to a range of positive experiences throughout the socialisation period. But there will always be something innate about their personality that makes them who they are. It’s thought that cats inherit some of their likes and dislikes from their parents. If your cat had aloof parents who weren’t great lap cats, it’s likely your cat may show similar preferences as an adult as well.
While some cats would enjoy sleeping on our lap for the whole day if they could, other cats prefer brief or low-intensity interactions with us. Sometimes, it’s just a bad day! Perhaps your cat had a particularly busy night or is feeling stressed by a new neighbourhood cat that has appeared on the scene. They may not be in the mood for cuddles at that particular time. And it’s important at these times to give them their space.
Cheeky playfulness
For some cats, running away from you may simply be part of a game. Play is very important in the feline world. Practising their hunting and ambush skills through play is an activity that most cats will engage in. It’s a way of keeping up their fitness and honing their hunting abilities. If your cat seems happy and relaxed, and if they return to initiate another play session of ‘running away’, it may mean they are just having a bit of fun with you.
Persuading your cat to stay
Well, most cat owners know that it’s extremely difficult to persuade a cat to do anything that they don’t want to do! The best option is always to let them live life on their own terms. And not to force an interaction that they are not willing to have.
Insisting on your cat’s company or picking them up against their will can be damaging to your bond. It can take time to build trust, and a softly-softly approach is wisest. Creating a long-lasting bond is all about understanding that cats thrive on predictability, consistency, and a sense of being in control.
Here are some top tips for improving the bond your cat has with you:
1) Less is more
Let your cat set the pace and allow them to choose how often they interact with you. If your cat runs away or hides, don’t follow them or try to remove them from their hiding place. Give them some space and allow plenty of time for their stress levels to reduce naturally.
2) Three-second rule
A rule most cats would like you to follow is the ‘three second rule’. If your cat comes to you for attention, you should stroke them for three seconds, and then stop. That might be enough for your cat, and they will wander off again, happy with that amount of interaction. Or it may be that they want to come back for more. If they do, repeat another three seconds of stroking, and stop again. You can repeat this until your cat decides that it’s enough for them. If your cat walks away, it’s important to respect their boundaries and to understand this is their way of saying ‘no more attention right now, thank you’. Once they learn that you aren’t going to pressure them into staying for longer than they wish to, they will start to trust you and will probably come to you more often.
3) Do things you both enjoy
Spending time with your cat doing something they enjoy can really help to improve your bond. Introduce your cat to a variety of different cat toys and puzzles and see what your cat likes to do the most. Perhaps active play with a fishing rod toy really takes the interest, or maybe a quieter activity like a food puzzle will draw them in. Keep play sessions short and spread them out over the day; just a few minutes once or twice a day is enough.
For some cats, grooming can be a pleasant activity for you to share. Ideally, your cat should be introduced to a grooming routine when they are young, and ideally within that two-to-seven-week socialisation period, otherwise grooming can put them out of their comfort zone.
4) Slow blinking
There is some evidence to suggest that a slow blink in cats is comparable to a human smile. And a cat may be more likely to approach and respond to you if they see you blinking slowly. Try not to give your cat too much direct eye contact if you feel like trying this out on your own cat. Blink slowly at your cat, then look down. They may even give you a slow blink in return!
5) Read the signs
There is an art to reading a cat’s body language. They are very subtle communicators, because as a solitary species, in the wild there would be no one else around to communicate to! But if you look closely, you’ll be able to spot the signs that point to your cat’s current mood and demeanour and be able to act accordingly. You can learn more about how to interpret your cat’s body language here. Adopting a non-threatening body posture is important for you, too. Play it cool and act disinterested, and your cat will feel much safer in your presence!
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